i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
