I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
