I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
