did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
