just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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