I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
