Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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