last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
