Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
