in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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