You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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