I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
