3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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