me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
