sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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