i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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