So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
