Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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