The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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