between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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