Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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