come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
