You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
