i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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