She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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