My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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