You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
