Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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