Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
