i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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