I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
