That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
