Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
do nipples grow back?
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