I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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