What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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