The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
