the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
