i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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