You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
