he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
