I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
