and you said cock pushups were impossible
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
