My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
party gras won. party gras always wins.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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