you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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