I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Randomize
