Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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