M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he shaved USA in his pubs
only if we run a train.
done.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
