I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
