can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
