Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
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She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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