Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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