Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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