I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
