Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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