I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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