Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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