Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
