booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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