You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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