I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
