The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
